Read along in this column to see what kind of stuff I find to go along with my wild story this week. Some of it will be funny, some a bit more serious. You never know!
Porter Wagoner has a new album out. (I don't know if it's funny or not!)
You can also buy videos of his show on his site, www.porterwagoner.com.
I had the pleasure of meeting Jim McReynolds once. What a fine fellow!
Here's that Lawrence Welk boxed set you've been looking for.
![A Musical Anthology [Box]](http://a1348.g.akamai.net/f/1348/1216/1d/photo.towerrecords.com/coverart.asp?S=1364624&X=178&Y=178)
Go ahead, you know you want it!
Believe it or not, there is a museum of Menstruation and Women's Health. They have a page about Cardui.
Chattem is still alive and well. On their site, you can read about the history of the company and how it tied in with the Porter Wagoner Show. They no longer manufacture Black Draught - that's Monticello Drug Company - read about them too.
I don't think they even make rotary phones anymore, though you can still find black ones!
Hear "Sixteen Tons" for yourself. Click on this photo to hear a sample:
You can find almost any TV theme, show, commercial...well, if it has to do with TV I highly recommend Tim's TV Showcase. I don't make a penny for sending you there, but I have Tim to thank for my discovery of the wonderful world of webpage design. He discovered my photo of Frank Sutton's grave, because that's why I'm where I am right now.
Don't go to the wrong track! Try on these Michael Waltrip earrings.
Now look at yourself in the mirror. I'll bet you didn't know you were that good looking. But I'm not splitting the check with you.
It's not the Dubya Dubya E Supehstaws, but here's a Kenny Wallace collectible!
"Bewitched" was a production of Screen Gems, so it was followed by the infamous S...
You can get your own Chucky movie right here!
Or, if you are like me and prefer funny to gory, you can buy Toy Story. Hey! I'm a poet and didn't know it.
September 23, 2002
Fear This!
Some kids are afraid of spiders, or the dark, or of clowns. I was afraid of almost everything. Sirens, vacuum cleaners, dogs...cuckoo clocks, TV, kitchens...you name it, I was scared of it. Today, I'm gonna face my fears and admit to them for all the world to see!
***************
I realized this weekend that it was time to deal with this issue, when I learned of the death of Don Howser, a former TV and radio announcer in Middle Tennessee. I felt kind of old when I realized it's probably been 30 years since he was on "The Porter Wagoner Show." Of course, I have a pretty good memory, but still! I'm not old enough to remember that.
My most vivid memory of this fellow wasn't as the announcer at the Nashville Speedway (I know, you'd think that would really stand out to me) but as the man who kept me from going into Granny's kitchen. It sounds strange, but it's true!
Back in those days, when all TV sets came with rabbit ears that usually required a human grounding point, Saturday afternoons were country music show days. In my neck of the woods, we had the Wilburn Brothers, Jim and Jesse, Porter Wagoner, "POP Goes the Country!" and "That Good Ole Nashville Music," topped off at 6:00 with the classic "Hee Haw." Oh, times were good. Most of those old shows had the same sponsors from week to week, kind of like Lawrence Welk, who, if you remember, always took time to thank those fine folks who made the Geritol.
Well, for years and years, Porter Wagoner's show was supported by the Chattem company, which produced such memorable products as Cardui, a medicine to ease the pain of menstruation (by getting the medicine-taker drunk), Black Draught Laxative (which I saw today at the drugstore) and Soltice Nasal Spray. They also made those cute little calendars that everybody had back then, complete with the almanac on each day. I think Porter and the Wagonmasters sung the praises of these products on their show, but I don't really remember that.
Here's what I DO remember. One day I was watching Porter's show and I saw Don Howser squirt some of that Soltice stuff up his nose. It was a commercial, of course, which was the way things were done back then! For some reason, this terrified me. I don't know if I'd just experienced this same thing myself, or if it was the trauma of watching someone use nasal spray, but I lived in fear of Soltice from that point. I was afraid to watch Porter Wagoner, and even afraid of the Soltice calendar!
Hence my fear of Granny's kitchen...where the Cardui calendar hung prominently in the middle of the room, right above the big black rotary phone.
Until this weekend, I'd forgotten that. I go in Granny's kitchen on a weekly basis without even thinking of the Soltice calendar or the black phone, which disappeared from sight when the room was remodeled in 1980.
From time to time I still remember my fear of the matchbox at my great-grandmother's house. I don't really know why I was afraid of that. I suspect I saw fire come from there. Anyway, I wouldn't go in that kitchen either. I still remember the words printed on the old-fashioned box: DEWEY MANNING GENERAL M'DSE. Of course, I didn't know what M'DSE meant at the time - I thought it said "MOSE." So I made up my own little song to the sad little tune between the verses of "Sixteen Tons" using the words on that old box.
And people wonder why I'm so weird...all I can say is, it started early! It's too bad I got over my fear of the kitchen. You sure can't tell now that I was ever afraid of it.
As a teenager, I got over all those irrational fears. I took pride in being fearless. If I had fears then, I don't remember them. Now, my biggest fear is losing those closest to me, like my kids. Sometimes, though, I have a fear flashback, which totally amuses my children.
The Emergency Broadcast System test signal - OH, that was the worst. This was back in the day when it was just a 60-second "BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP." I would panic the second I saw the Civil Defense sign - you know, the "CD" in a triangle surrounded by a big circle. I mean, I would go off, running, screaming, holding my ears. I don't know how my parents survived their twenties with a basket case like me. I wouldn't even watch cartoons for a year or two after I saw a test on a Saturday morning. I liked shows on public TV because I never saw a test on there.
As I grew, I realized that this behavior was totally unacceptable, but my fear still existed. I prepared myself for the possibility during every commercial break. (Now, I should probably be afraid of those Kenny Wallace and Michael Waltrip commercials during the races.) I'd fake a bathroom break about the time I saw what was commencing on the TV screen. I can remember my heart pounding when I saw that at the age of TEN!
I have learned in the last couple of years that I'm not the only one who was scared to death of that Screen Gems logo. Here is a link to the page that has that creepy music - Closing Logo Jingles - you'll notice they refer to it as "The S from Hell." Here's another page devoted to the scary S. See, other weird people really do exist out there!
So, TV viewing was a strange and scary world for me, but I still managed to get in my 22 hours a week. I probably don't watch that much TV now!
My fear of cuckoo clocks kept me out of my aunt's living room and my next-door neighbor's house for a long time. But if you REALLY don't want me stopping by, get a talking doll. I still get the creeps listening to some of them talk. I thought this sprang from watching one of those Chucky movies, but my grandmother recently informed me that I was like that as a child too. She says I had to have the music boxes removed from all my toys. I don't remember it being that bad, but I do recall that my brother's talking Mickey Mouse gave me the same weird vibe that Furby did. Not all dolls must be silent, though - Buzz and Woody are SUPPOSED to talk!
It's too bad I couldn't pick and choose which fears stuck around. Like my fear of the kitchen, my fear of the popsicle truck disappeared when I got older, much to the detriment of my figure.
I don't think I've covered all my fears in this missive, but I had way more than most kids. Perhaps it's because I could read at the age of two. (REALLY. I have non-family witnesses who will back me up on this.) Maybe I noticed more stuff than other kids. Maybe I didn't, I was just jumpier than most. Who knows?
Someday, I'll have to tell you about my fear of dead end streets. Meanwhile, I'll just go to bed and hope I don't dream about waking up too late and missing the first day of school.
Where do you want to go?
2001 Archive
August 28 - the first one - be gentle with me, I was just starting out!
Sept. 19 - The ""Hit Me For a Sale'' installment - Yes, I admit I was a little rough on the salespeople! Read ONLY if you are tired of having to buy stuff at parties, etc. !
Sept. 26 - Is it really in his kiss? Judge for yourself.
Oct. 7 - Is Visa really everywhere you want to be? Or where you don't want to be?
Nov. 17 - I'm much too young to be this darn old!
2002 Archive
Jan. 31 - Homesporting
Feb. 28 - Kids say the...well, you know the kind of things they say!
Apr. 3 - Your car says what you wish your mouth did!
July 3 - Happy Independence Day!
August 21 - Does absence make the heart grow fonder?
Sept. 9 - Warning! Signs may be hazardous to your health.