Marisa's Laughter Page
April 3, 2002
Where the Rubber Meets the Road (or, Your Car Says What You Wish Your Mouth Could)
This is a topic I've been considering for a long, long time. I love bumper stickers. I had my van for three or four years before I ever put a sticker on it. I guess I thought that would decrease the value of the vehicle, as if I hadn't dented the sliding door on the driver's side three weeks after I bought it.
The first one I got was one of those bragging stickers - you know, "My child is an honor student at (insert name of school here)!" I don't really have any humorous stickers on my van. Well, I suppose the Titans sticker that is coming off by itself is kind of funny. And I'm sure the Sterling Marlin sticker produces a snicker or two as well. For a short while, I had a window cling advertising one of my husband's rock bands, but neither the band nor the window cling survived. That's only funny to me.
My commute four days a week is 28 miles one way. I see a lot of bumper stickers, and about an equal number of vanity plates. I have a burning question to ask here. Are there any readers from Illinois out there? I am curious to know something. Are vanity plates really cheap there? Like, free maybe? It seems like 90% of the car tags I see from Illinois have some mysterious message. These odd messages are on plates from every state, it just seems that Illinois has a higher percentage of personalized plates than the others. That's why I've guessed that tags must be cheap there.
Many messages on car tags are completely meaningless to the average driver seeing them. I can usually figure out the "ABE CEE 89" type messages - the ones with the initials of both drivers and perhaps the year they met or married. But some of those messages are a little weird. Like "DLSPRMN." Does that mean "Dave Lane is Superman" or does it have to do with something that comes out of a man's body? And I'm not even going with what the D and L stand for.
Here in Tennessee, and in my county in particular, car tags are not cheap, and an additional $25 to make my van easier for police to catch is just not worth it to me. On that note, I think our state has the highest number of varieties of plate available. You can pay $25 extra and get a car tag advertising your favorite college or supporting the charity of your choice. You can support animal rights, arts, state parks, wildlife, children, public schools - just about anything. I get confused just looking at the brochure that comes in the mail with my plates every year. It seems unreasonable to me for Tennessee to offer plates with other states' colleges on them. For example, how much sense does it make for Tennessee to offer tags featuring the University of Alabama? I mentally file this under "Things that make you go, Hmmmm...."
The other day, I saw a car from West Virginia with a Jeff Gordon license plate. No, not on the front of the car, on the BACK. This was their REAL, licensed car tag. I want to know where you sign up for the Sterling Marlin tags. SERIOUSLY. I might pay for one of those.
Someone who must live fairly close to me (I know this because I see this plate quite often) has a tag that reads "SOITNLY." I am guessing that this is a driver with a sense of humor - probably a Three Stooges fan. The name Seay isn't unusual around here, and some witty driver made a cute pun with that - "SEAY YA"! The lady who had "GILLFAN" on her tag left no uncertainty about her favorite singer. And just today I saw one that said "MY3SUNZ."
Here's a classic bumper sticker: "If you must drink and drive, drink Pepsi." (Hey, Pepsi folks! Free advertising on Marisa's Laughter Page! Now will you give me a deal on some 12 packs?)
My pet peeve bumper stickers are the ones that say "If you can read this, you're too close" (with or without expletives). I'm sorry, but in my opinion, if you have tiny print on the rear end of your vehicle, you are just asking to get tailgated. Don't put letters on your car small enough for the phone book and then gripe because I'm too close to your bumper. You know, now that I think about it, ever since I put that NASCAR sticker with Sterling's tiny little autograph on the van, I've had a few more tailgaters than before. Oh, well. If people don't know who that 40 car is by now, they need stronger glasses.
I don't really mind the small print or the generalized driver complaining that I see in this message: "Horn Broken. Watch for Finger." I don't use sign language anymore while driving, but I can certainly understand why someone else might. Another small print sticker I enjoyed recently read, "Work is not a life or death issue." In tiny print below - "Fishing is."
We SOITNLY can't leave out the religious stickers. My sister-in-law used to have one that said, "In case of rapture, this vehicle will be unmanned." That's a scary thought, all those unmanned vehicles out there, but I don't plan on being in my car in that event. Knowing my usual work schedule, I'll probably be stuck at the hospital!
When I was a kid, a new neighbor from Seattle had a sticker asking the age-old question:
WHERE THE HECK IS
WALL DRUG
Being a total hick from Ridgetop, Tennessee, and having only been outside of Middle Tennessee a handful of times in my life up to that point, I had no idea WHAT Wall Drug was, much less where it was. For a long time, I thought maybe the designer of the sticker was looking for some new pharmaceutical, or perhaps Wall Drug was where one could find the heck. After all, it said "Where the heck is." There was no question mark on the bumper sticker!
By the way, if you still don't know where the heck Wall Drug is, check out www.walldrug.com for information about the place. Click on the history link to read the inspiring story of Wall Drug. It's actually fascinating. And don't feel dumb. If I hadn't seen that bumper sticker 25 years ago, I wouldn't know where the heck it is either!
A Tennessee sticker that I saw a lot in the '70's: "Eat More Possum." We won't EVEN go there.
Sometimes it is not the individual sticker itself that is funny, but the combination of stickers plastered to the car. Usually when more than one sticker graces the rear end, they're not about conflicting subjects. Occasionally you run across the couple who are fans of rival colleges, for example, the van I saw with "Roll Tide" on one side and "Auburn War Eagles" on the other. But in general, most of them aren't completely incongruous.
One of the oddest bumper sticker combinations I've ever seen was in Foley, Alabama, near Gulf Shores. We were behind an old van - one of those Ford Econolines, I think - with doors on the back and square windows on each door. On the driver's side rear window, a sticker bearing a Confederate flag stated, "I RIDE WITH GENERAL FORREST." On the passenger side, another sticker proclaimed, "YES, LORD, WE WILL RIDE WITH YOU!"
I scratched my head for hours about that one.
Personally, I think my favorite stickers are the ones that say "I'm Schizophrenic, and So Am I!" Maybe I relate better to them than the others, I don't know.
Laughter archive
August 28 - the first one - be gentle with me, I was just starting out!
Sept. 19 - The ""Hit Me For a Sale'' installment - Yes, I admit I was a little rough on the salespeople! Read ONLY if you are tired of having to buy stuff at parties, etc. !
Sept. 26 - Is it really in his kiss? Judge for yourself.
Oct. 7 - Is Visa really everywhere you want to be? Or where you don't want to be?
Nov. 17 - I'm much too young to be this darn old!
Jan. 31 - Homesporting
Feb. 28 - Kids say the...well, you know the kind of things they say!
Where do you want to go?
(between this one and the Christian Links page)
This page was started on August 23, 2001
last updated July 03, 2002
Copyright 2001, Bush Research, Etc.